The Advice That Almost Cost Me Everything
I've received so much advice throughout my life. Some of it was good, some of it was bad, and some I was so convinced would benefit me that I followed through with it—only to later realize I was pushing away the one person who loves me the most.
It's in times like these that you begin to see who truly supports you. There are those who stand by you because they care about what truly matters to you. There are those who support you only when it benefits them. And then there are those who believe their aggravating advice is actually helpful when, in reality, it's anything but.
The Mistakes That Shattered Us
My wife and I have been together for a little over 11 years, married for four, and we have two beautiful little pieces of ourselves together. During this journey, I made a terrible mistake—one that, at the time, I thought was justifiable.
About six years ago, in the heat of an argument, I walked out on our relationship. At the time, I was young, arrogant, and naive. I was convinced that leaving would "teach her a lesson." But as the days passed and I found myself stuck in an emotional loop, I realized I hadn't taught her anything. Instead, I had started breaking apart a love so pure that it was only being held together by its own shattered pieces. One wrong move, one whisper of doubt, and everything would collapse.
I fought to return, apologized for my mistake, and eventually, she gave me another chance—one of many she has given me over the years.
Seeking Advice in the Wrong Places
As people, we have an incredibly bad habit of venting to outsiders about our relationships. We seek "perspective" from friends, colleagues, and even family members instead of having the difficult conversations with the one person who actually matters. The person who loves us the most. The person who would do anything to understand and support us.
Despite getting another chance, I didn’t truly learn what my wife needed from me. Sure, I made changes. I made her feel loved, wanted, and involved. But over time, these "commitments" became nothing more than distant thoughts—ghosts of promises made but never truly fulfilled.
Slowly, we fell into the same cycle: disappointment, resentment, frustration, and ultimately, abandonment.
Disappointment: We tried to build a life together, but we failed to communicate our needs. This led to expectations being unmet.
Resentment: Disappointment turned into resentment. We began to find fault in each other, and the once-exciting love we had started to feel suffocating.
Frustration: Resentment led to frustration. We walked on eggshells, avoiding fights but brewing silent battles within ourselves. Simple comments became fuel for fiery arguments.
Abandonment: Eventually, I would reach a breaking point and consider walking away, believing our relationship was doomed when in reality she used to be the one clinging on for dear life to this marriage.
We confided in friends and family instead of in each other. We sought validation from outsiders instead of understanding from within. And in doing so, we distanced ourselves more and more.
The Difference in Our Foundations
To better understand how my wife and I view relationships differently, let’s look at where we came from. Our upbringings were vastly different—almost as if we were raised in different galaxies.
| Aspect | My Background | My Wife’s Background |
|---|---|---|
| Parents | My parents were previously married and remarried. (33 years together now) | Her parents have been together since the day they met. (33 years) not previously married. |
| Family Structure | I grew up as a single child. My half-siblings rarely visited, and my adopted sister had moved out before I was old enough to form a bond. | She is the eldest of five siblings, all of whom grew up together. |
| Emotional Upbringing | Raised to be self-sufficient, logical, and emotionally reserved. | Raised in a household that valued emotional expression and connection. |
| Values | Focused on material success, independence, and logic. | Values time, effort, and family relationships. |
| Parental Involvement | My parents were present but emotionally distant. | Her parents were actively involved in their children's lives. |
| Conflict Resolution | Avoidance, suppression of emotions, and silent treatment. | Open discussions, emotional validation, and teamwork. |
| Love Language | Acts of service, material gifts. | Quality time, physical touch, and words of affirmation. |
These differences shaped how we approached our relationship. Where she sought emotional connection, I sought logic. Where she needed reassurance, I assumed silence was strength. And where she wanted teamwork, I fell into the trap of self-reliance.
I remember a day where my parents where contemplating for divorce and my father said "he'll go live in the caravan until such time he can find his feet again" to which my mother replied saying "you will not because the caravan is mine! I paid for it". it was at this moment that I thought that people (married, seperated, single, siblings, family etc.) will do anything and everything in their power to "get what they want" despite what's right and what's wrong, "as long as I win".
The Hard Lesson I Had to Learn
If I could go back and tell my younger self one thing, it would be this: Love isn't about being right. It's about being present.
It took losing my wife multiple times—walking out on her, thinking I was proving a point, believing I had the answers—to finally understand that love isn't about winning. It's about listening, learning, and growing together.
No advice from friends, family, or colleagues can replace the conversation you need to have with the one person who truly matters. No outside perspective can fully grasp the nuances of your love story.
I remember a day where my parents were contemplating divorce, and my father said, "I'll go live in the caravan until such time I can find my feet again." To which my mother replied, "You will not, because the caravan is mine! I paid for it." It was at this moment that I realized people—whether married, separated, single, siblings, or family—will do anything and everything in their power to "get what they want," despite what's right and what's wrong, as long as they win.
So if you find yourself in a relationship where things feel frustrating, where cycles of disappointment keep repeating, ask yourself this:
Are you truly communicating with your partner?
Are you seeking external validation instead of internal understanding?
Are you fighting to be right, or are you fighting for your love?
I have made many mistakes, and I am still learning. But the one thing I now know for certain is that love is fragile. It must be nurtured, protected, and fought for—not against.
And if you’re lucky enough to have someone who loves you unconditionally, don’t take it for granted. Because once love shatters, no amount of apologies can piece it back together the same way it once was.
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